violetinsanity

I miss spinning.
I want to perform again, but the show for the middle school is just not gonna happen.
I refuse. Last season has been laid down to rest...
despite the somewhat unsatisfying end.
Well, at least my last marching season ended phenomenally.
I will go for Opus, no doubt.

I haven't played piano in like a month.
I feel unworthy of it or something, like I've abandoned it and now I must suck,
so I should let it be... and not taint such a beautiful instrument with my apathy and imperfection.
That reasoning makes no sense.

IB exams are frighteningly soon.
I graduate in a matter of weeks.
I will never be in high school ever again...
not with these people, in our current states of being and stages of our lives in this exact world.
Never again. It all becomes history.

Tick tock.

Stuff is strange...

After retreat last night, I was talking to Fiona and Paula
and then an instructor from Opus 10 came up
and he was thrilled to hear that I'm a senior
and I'm interested in marching for Opus next winter.
He said Wil has told him a lot about me, which made me very happy
whether or not it's true.
I miss the old days... with Wil and Russ.

This guard season has been really, really strange.
I don't even know anymore...
but there's less than a week left.
We've dealt with so much...
And for this reason, State is going to be very emotional.


Oh yeah,
by the end of the show last night
I was gushing blood
and now my left glove is almost entirely crimson from holding my face
and there's my blood on the tarp.
It was epic.
Everyone else was freaking out.
I was just laughing.

I hope these nightmares slow down a bit.
I am kinda tired of witnessing people getting murdered nearly every night.


I've decided. I'm going to UCD next year.
Biology major in the Pre-medical program.
(Maybe minor in art.)
Hells yeah.

I hope I can still start as a sophomore from IB credits though.
That would suck if I can't simply because I plan on going to grad school.
Yet again victim of the system.

Yesterday was a miserable day.

But I held in my discontent
and smiled and performed at our first competition
and dropped my weapons way too many times.

And I always feel so lost when I should be so thrilled.
Was there anyone else there like me?

I often think, I could be exactly what I'm not.
I'd have as many friends and flings as you.
Or I can put on no act and get left behind.

Sometimes they make me want to puke until I can't move.

Uh. My head hurts.

Now that I'm a senior, I constantly think about the fact that I am almost out, so so so close to freedom or at least escape from this whole "high school" deal.
It seems to me like everyone else also on the brink of graduation can't think about much else either.
We're so excited and anxious for the next step. Understandable.
But what bothers me in a way is that we're all so focused on moving on. It's like we're all just itching to lock away memories from these past few years.
Everyone says they want to or will get as far away from "here" as possible after graduation and keep in touch with a minimal amount of people or maybe even none at all.
So what was high school then? The meeting people, that is. Was it all a waste? Did we all meet our current friends and acquaintances solely for the purpose of learning about ourselves, other people and life?
If the only reason we get close to people is so we have company and reasons to keep us going through short periods of our lives, then I suppose that's okay... I don't know, but then it's like we all throw each other away and get thrown away.
And maybe that is why there are all those lonely people. Where do they all come from? Where do they all belong?
All these people I walk the halls with every day, whether I know them or not, I may never see in my entire life again after May of this year. Such a bizarre thought.
Some may leave the state, country, this life sooner than others... and none of us will ever know what happened to anyone else perhaps until some distant high school reunion that only a handful of our class attends.
Everything is come and go. Our is existence is so easily lost... Theatre of the Absurd feels less and less absurd every day. But I refuse to be a nihilist. I just ponder, ponder, ponder.
It gives me a weird feeling I cannot call sad... I don't have a word for it.

I feel like I'm getting closer to who I want to be. Maybe.
Plus, it's not like I'm losing anything along the way, aside from memories.
I don't know what 'myself' exactly is, so I'm not really giving anything up.
I'm just trying things out and gradually shaping me into the me I want to be.
Slowly, but surely. It's... interesting. Eh, I dunno.
And all the while, I remain extremely indecisive about basically everything.

I'm not happy.
I'm not depressed.
Well, maybe a little. Whatever.
I want to feel purposeful.
I want to feel selfless.
I want to give everything I have to making you happy,
but in the end I am too selfish, and I hate myself for it.
I want to change, but apathy throws me off course.

I've been so uninspired lately.
School is... just school, and I have Senioritis.
I can't produce quality artwork in such a state
so the past two art classes, I just sat there.
I stopped going to the hospital.
I bet I've missed some neat things
but I lack the motivation to go.
Guard is not like it used to be.
Everyone leaves miserable and pissed off.

We're all just "here".
We have to decide ourselves what we're here for.

New Years was pretty great. Yay.

I'm really not looking forward to school again.
Then again, it can't be that bad.
I finally have three offs.
I might have art with Liz!
It's my last semester of high school and IB ever!

I want to get a tattoo, but I have no idea what of. I'm so indecisive.
I'd want it to be something that inspires me each time I look at it or read it.
Or that reminds me that things are good, that there's beauty in the world.
I don't know what that would be.

After dark is when most of the exciting things ensue.
I'm looking forward to being able to stay out all night
and do whatever I'm in the mood for, whenever.
I feel like breaking free right now.
I wish I had a car of my own.

You still mean the world to me.
Nothing is perfect. We are not perfect.
But for right now,
we are pretty perfect for each other.


I believe I am looking forward to this coming year.
Lots of big changes are ahead.